Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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