I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
