the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
