I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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