dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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