The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
