i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry about my life...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
