We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
