Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
me + whiskey = a bad person
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The adults are the big ones right?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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