he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
