3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
