My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
