She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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