grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
