The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
