I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
