dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
