I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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