Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize