The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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