Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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