I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
