Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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