she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
