i love accidental penises.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
