Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
