yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
