o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
