I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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