you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
