I look better un-naked...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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