in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
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It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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