Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
