This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
