Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
third nipple confirmed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
