bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
