I cannot find my penis.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
