if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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