I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
