Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
