I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
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I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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