you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
