Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
