I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
