I'm gonna have a badass scar
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
