As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
