Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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