Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
