sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize