My underwear smells like fireworks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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