this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
