So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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