be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
