I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
