made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
