I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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